I'm getting better little by little. I know now that a full relationship with Marion will never again be possible. As it turns out I saw his true face in the end. His true face was someone that cares little for love and instead just wants the lust of the moment. He's not ready for full on commitment, and when he said he was before, well, that was just him hiding. I know that.

I know that I am a good person. My newest relationship tells me so. I'm not sure how to refer to my current situation. I suppose I should say what happened, eh?

Well, thursday night I went to bed with some hope. I had hope that maybe someday things would work out with Marion. He sounded like his old self and I could see myself wanting him back before long. After all, he was my first love and I probably will never forget him. That's the nature of things. But regardless of how I felt that night, things changed dramatically. He showed his true self. I suppose that its good to see it now rather than later at least.

I really only talked to two people when all of this happened. Marion and JR. Well, Marion went to JR's appartment for that weekend and I didn't really think anything of it. After all, he wasn't my boyfriend, so I didn't need to keep track of him. Well, Saturday was the first time I talked to my new darling. His name is Dwayne. He lives in North Carolina and is 26, but as for a title for what we have... Well its a tad difficult to explain. Anyways, that night when he first messaged me I told him I was tired and would have to talk to him the next night. He consented and I went my merry way to bed. The next night changed a lot of things.

Sunday night was when I messaged Marion and found his true face. Two years of devotion and love, and his first weekend apart he decides to have sex with some random girl. It... broke my heart. Hell, I even cried at work. It was... more than a tad painful. The worst part was that it happened with JR's help. The two people that I trusted most, besides my own family, hurt me the most. The pain was indescribable.

That night I got home, wanting to crawl into bed. But somehow I felt I should go onto Furcadia. I told myself it was just to tell this new guy that I was upset and unable to stay up, but I think it was something else. I needed someone. And apparently I chose correctly. I barely had to say anything and he demanded I call him. So I did. ME! I don't call anyone much less some random stranger from N.C! But I did. And I'm glad.

This one, he wants to care for me. He wants to chear me up when I cry, listen to my worries, and be there. I haven't been talking with him long and I think that he takes better care of me than I do! If I don't take out my contacts when I'm supposed to he'll stop talking until I do. If I'm on my break he makes sure I get good food for myself. This one... he's the perfect thing for me right now. He makes me happy and makes me feel like I'm worth something. He's already saying he loves me >3<

But I feel like something is missing. Like a body part has been removed. That part may of been ugly and painful. It may of caused me misery. But it was still a part of me. Everyone says this is normal. That this is what happens when one loses their first true love. I wonder if its just girls that feel this way. I wonder if Marion feels the same. I highly doubt it though. All he cares about is fucking everything in sight. But that doesn't make me feel any better. It just... confuses me. I want so badly to give Dwayne everything of myself but its hard. And he knows it. That's the best part. He knows I still think of Marion. And he carries me through the rough times. Supposedly it'll take months before that feeling wears off. Before the feeling of pain goes away. I'm just glad I have help for this. Without my darling I don't think I'd be able to get through this on my own. I've been betrayed and hurt.

I'm very damaged. I can't help but think of my faults. I gave too much of myself to Marion. He didn't deserve to have everything that I was. He couldn't handle it. He's still a child. He thinks that sex is all he needs. I know that someday he'll realise that he needs more than that. Perhaps. But for now, he doesn't care. Even now, I still care a little. I hate myself for it. And I hate him for hurting me so badly. But I do care. I know, I'm a moron. I think my heart is just too big.

Someday I sincerely hope that we can talk like friends once more. Maybe. I doubt that it'll happen any time soon. I need to give Dwayne all the attention I can possibly give. He takes care of me. He deserves my attention and affection. Even now he's pushing for me to come visit him. He wants to pay for the ticket and everything. I'm still thinking on it. I think it would do me some good to escape. Escape the pain and hurt. The heartache that constantly attacks me.

Ugh... I need to go call someone... I need to talk to someone and make myself feel better. I'm just not strong enough on my own.